


I Will Always Choose You

by inadistantworld



Series: Rare Pair Week [6]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 04:43:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12028356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inadistantworld/pseuds/inadistantworld
Summary: Scanlan does just about everything wrong. He waits too long to tell Vax, he blurts it out when he doesn't mean to, and of course he leaves. Which is the worst part. At least until he comes back, because after he does Vax isn't his first stop to apologize. Vax isn't even on the list.





	I Will Always Choose You

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to post this hours ago but I had a million errands to do and only managed to tag the relationship part before I had to leave. Good news, I saw my doctor and refilled my T and can keep my beard at college thanks to a doctor's note and have new not broken glasses. Bad news this is hours and hours late.  
> Love my boy Scanlan but I also want to give him a giant hug and make everything better.  
> I think I hit the whole Angst thing better this time? Let me know what you think below

Vox Machina wasn’t predictable in anything they did, including falling in love. They also didn’t do anything in the best way, including romance. In all honesty, if Vox Machina was doing it they were probably doing it wrong.

 

Scanlan was no stranger to feeling lust and even quite familiar with crushes. He had even felt a romantic kind of love once or twice. He had thought that’s what he felt for Pike. For a while. But after some very difficult self-reflection he saw that what he felt was love for an idea and it was irresponsible and terrible of him to put that pressure on her. And to be quite honest he felt freed by taking a step back from her.

It did open him up to someone else though. Someone with very long and dark hair. Someone with an equally gorgeous twin. Someone with terribly sad eyes and an impulse control problem. If someone had asked if he went ranger or rogue his answer in the past would have been, “Depends on the ranger and the rogue,” with a sly wink. Now the answer would have just been, “Rogue.”

But it was simply a crush. A growing crush, but one still under control. Though things wouldn’t stay like that for long.

 

“It’s okay, Grog,” Pike winced, one hand still grasping the sword and the other holding the wall. Sweat dripped off her chin and she panted, the sword still embedded in her abdomen. And Grog couldn’t move. His eyes wide as he stared down at his friend and the sword that spoke to him. “It’s okay, you’re back and that’s what matters.”

Vex rushed forward and yanked the sword free, pushing Grog one step to the right, “Grog! Snap out of it!” And laid a hand over where blood was seeping from the armor and healed the gnome a little bit.

Scanlan looked at his friend and could see one thing for certain, Grog would be no help. Scanlan wasn’t even sure if Grog would know the letters he saw let alone be able to recover from hurting Pike like that so quickly. And they didn’t exactly have the time to waste to find out.

In a poof of purple smoke he appeared next to the whirlwind and was sucked in, drifting weightlessly through the air to the stone slab with the last letters of the sphinx’s name on it.

Back in the other room with the fight everyone just watched Scanlan disappear into the other dimension with not even a rope. Just like Grog. Only he didn’t even have a sword and chain to pull him back at the cost of hurting a friend. He had nothing to get back.

A roar filled the room and Vax turned his attention to the sphinx again, expecting to hear the growl that followed but instead there was nothing. In fact there was nothing at all. It was like he was far far underwater and only thick, heavy silence surrounded him. He felt his stomach turn the longer he stared at the beast and the longer no sound found his ears.

His claws swiped out again, catching Vex’s arm and tearing through the armor. And Grog couldn’t move still, he just stared at Craven Edge, now lying on the ground in front of Pike. He could have killed her was the only thing running through his mind, over and over, he almost killed his best friend in the world.

Percy turned the corner, his feet skidding on the ground and he shouted, “Grog! The letters!” but no answer came, Grog’s mouth just hung open and he looked at the sword, unable to speak.

Vex left Pike to Grog and ran forward to the immovable rod and began rushing back to the whirlwind, planning how she would get Scanlan back. And then Grog shook his head and called out the letters. Percy began rambling names off, hoping one of them would stop this fight but nothing was working yet.

Instead he struck at Vex again, this time catching her in the chest and Vax watched in slow motion as she fell, just feet from the entrance to the other dimension Scanlan was stuck in, the rod clattering to the ground beside her.

Vax didn’t have the time to decide what he wanted to do, he was moving on instinct now. He rushed to Grog and tied the rope in a loop and as he ran to Grog he threw the loop around his neck and turned back to the whirlwind. And without a word or even a breath, he leapt into it after Scanlan. The rope tightened around Grog’s throat and he scrabbled at it to pull it away a little so he could breathe.

Inside was just as uncomfortably quiet as the other room had been. Vax could see Scanlan now, he was just drifting past the stone that Vax assumed had the letters on it. He reached out to Scanlan desperately, stretching his hand out as far as possible. Scanlan was almost within reach, all he had to do was reach out to Vax and he could pull him back.

The gnome’s lips moved and his lips were upturned in a smirk, leading Vax to believe it was a joke. And then he winked and purple smoke swallowed him up again. Vax rolled his eyes but he found himself able to breathe again. Scanlan was back. He could help Vex.

Scanlan appeared on the edge of the doorway, unable to get fully back to the other dimension, but he grabbed the rope Vax had used to follow him and pulled himself out. He jumped out, his feet hitting the ground hard, and put his hands on his lips, the wind whipped his long hair around, and he laughed.

But it was cut very short when he looked at the sight just in front of him.

Vex was lying on the ground in a pool of blood, her breathing shallow and quick, obviously having been there for a little while now, bleeding out. It wouldn’t take long for her to be gone entirely. Pike was standing near her but couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t look away from the sphinx. Grog was just standing there with her still, focused on what he had done. Percy and Keyleth were taking turns shouting names.

Scanlan looked over his shoulder at the tornado like space behind him. Vex was lying on the ground dying and Vax followed him to bring him back. Vax chose him.

He held his hand out and with a little bit of magic he brought her back to consciousness. If Vax could choose him over his own sister then Scanlan could certainly choose Vex over himself.

 

The battle had been intense. None of them were unscathed and Kevdak still stood tall. And Grog, who had always been the strongest person Scanlan had ever seen, looked small and weak beside him.

Vex flew out to him, one hand on her necklace and the other stretching out to Grog. When her fingers brushed his arm he vanished and Vex flew off, thankful Kevdak was paralyzed and couldn’t lash out at her.

Arrows were flying, some of them at Scanlan, some at Vex, too many of them striking true. Vax’s daggers found purchase in Kevdak’s chest and he pulled back and waited to see if Kevdak would move again.

“Pike! How are you doing?” Scanlan called out. A beat of silence. Another second. Had she fallen?

“I can think of something, don’t worry about me!” She finally yelled. He smiled, what a Pike thing to say. And he had faith she would.

Scanlan pulled the Wand of Fireballs out again and settled his aim between Greenbeard and Kevdak. And then noticed the in the radius he would catch a few innocent bystanders or Keyleth. The villagers wouldn’t survive the blast, but Kiki was an air elemental, and even if the damage knocked her out of that form she would live. Scanlan took a breath and shifted his aim more towards Keyleth and stopped cold.

Vax.

Vax was now in his range.

Vax seemed like he was moving in slow motion as he glanced up and saw the tiny gnome holding the wand out towards him. He nodded, his meaning clear. Do it. I can take it.

But Vax had chosen Scanlan over his sister. Vax chose him over the person he loved the most. And Scanlan could certainly choose Vax over a few nobodies from this town.

Scanlan flicked his wand back to the innocents and fired three charges. And when the smoke cleared Kevdak still stood, albeit with more burns, but there were three bodies on the ground. Scanlan didn’t think they even had a chance to scream.

 

Scanlan didn’t hear Vax come up from behind him and was understandably surprised when two hands reached down and grabbed fistfuls of his shirt, then raised him up and slammed him against the wall.

He hadn’t really looked at Vax from this angle, most of the time he was looking straight up at him but now he was face to face. It was making him feel a lot of things that had been steadily getting harder to ignore.

“Hello Vax,” Scanlan said lightly, but it was clear of Vax’s face he didn’t want to play.

“What the fuck?” He hissed.

“Use your words, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” A lie. He knew exactly what this was about.

“I could have jumped out of the way! I could have at least missed the worst of it! I would have lived through it! You should have saved them!” With every word he pressed Scanlan harder against the wall.

Scanlan didn’t fight back, his arms dangled at his sides, just letting Vax chew him out for the decision he made. And when Vax had said it all and fell silent, waiting for an answer, and Scanlan said quietly, “It was you or them.”

“And you should have chosen them!”

And that made Scanlan a little angry, everything else had been fine and while the idea had been the same it wasn’t like that. His hands curled into fists and he pushed at Vax but he couldn’t get the usually weak man off him. “I will not hurt you! Not ever! I will always choose you!” Scanlan shouted back.

And Vax blinked as the words registered and the look in Scanlan’s eyes made much more sense.

Vax dropped the gnome to the ground and they both stared at each other for a long time, the roles reversed. Scanlan was the angry one, his jaw set, his fists shaking, daring Vax to say something. And Vax was just shocked and quiet.

Scanlan adjusted his shirt and said, “Don’t ever tell me I should have put you in danger again.” And stormed off.

 

It took time for emotions to simmer down again and for Vax to find Scanlan alone without him walking off before the half elf could say anything. And they talked and something started there. And that was the official beginning of Scanlan and Vax.

The official end was handled much more poorly.

 

“I don’t have many things that I care about and I don’t have anything that cares about me.”

The words took all the air right from Vax’s lungs. He wasn’t sure what to say, what to do, he couldn’t even think let alone say anything to make it better.

“You like me because I make jokes, and I sing songs, and I give you a warm place to sleep at night, and I feed you fucking chicken, and I heal you in battle. But you don’t really care about me. Come on. Let’s be honest with each other. You don’t really give a shit about me.”

All Vax had ever done was care about Scanlan. He wanted to scream it, he wanted to kiss the gnome right now, he wanted to prove everything he was feeling, but their friends were all watching them closely. Scanlan asked that they keep things quiet, that they didn’t make a big deal about it. If he did that now it would just be another thing for Scanlan to hate him for. “I’ve changed my outlook on life because of you,” he prayed Scanlan understood what he meant, “What the fuck are you talking about? Of course we all love you, you could crush me in a second!” Scanlan was crushing him now.

Vax couldn’t listen to Vex and Scanlan talk at each other, half yelling and mostly crying. His ears picked up at “to fix your fucking daddy issues!” and he had a sinking feeling that was about him. Scanlan had made so many jokes about Vax’s daddy issues in the past. At first it had been helpful, it had been funny and it made it all seem lighter, easier to bear. Now it was one of his own daggers turned on him.

“You’ve never done anything for me. Ever! You’ve never risked anything for me, you don’t know me, you don’t know anything about me! What’s my mother’s name?” Silence answered and Scanlan swallowed a sob. He was right. Every word thrown around proved it. “Easy question. Died in front of me. Killed by a goblin. Biggest part of my life. What’s her name?” Nothing. “My father. Is he alive or dead? How old am I? Where’s my fucking dog?” No answers came. “You don’t care about me.”

“I’ve asked your age,” Vax said quietly while Vex insisted they found the dog and was quickly proven wrong, but nobody heard him.

“It’s fine. I’m just a little hungover from being dead, and I just have been thinking for a while that everyone in this group has someone. And I have no one.” Vax winced. Scanlan refused to even look in his direction as he said it, which felt like the worst part. “I had one chance with Kaylie and you all fucked it up. Nobody knew what my relationship with her was like, what I’ve promised her.”

Vax started coming in and out again, like he’d hit his head really hard and was wavering in and out of consciousness. When he heard Scanlan say, “I was just a funny little man playing songs, and that’s all I’ll ever be. And that’s okay because I can take care of myself.” he thought back to all the time Scanlan sat on his bed with his little guitar and sang to him. All those funny little songs where Scanlan said, “I love you.”

He heard Vex say that he needed them and they needed him. She called him darling. She always called them darling. It might have sounded spiteful if she wasn’t sobbing and sniffling as she did it.

“I don’t like that much either,” Scanlan replied.

“Well get used to it. Nobody likes needing anyone,” she snapped back, sniffling at the end.

Vax agreed silently, needing someone was the most surefire way to end up feeling exactly like this.

Keyleth started talking, always talking. Normally Vax didn’t mind, he actually liked listening to her, but right then he wanted all of them to stop. He didn’t want to hear about all those things Scanlan has done for them, about how they care and love him and how important he is. He didn’t want to hear any of it. He wanted to run. He wanted to walk away. He wanted to stop needing Scanlan months ago.

“I thought you were the one who had everything figured out,” he whispered.

Everyone agreed, mumbling I thought so too’s and yeahs.

“Then I must be a very good liar.” His eyes locked onto Vax’s for the first time. They were dark, angry, spiteful. Vax wondered if everything had been a lie.

“You are,” the rest said, almost in unison. He wanted to tell them all to stop talking, that they weren’t helping. He wanted to pull Scanlan away and be alone with him to talk about all of this. He wanted to wake up from what had to be a nightmare with his love in his arms.

Instead Vax said, “I thought for months, what haven’t I got figured out that Scanlan has got figured out? I’ve been trapped in the mud for months, wondering what I could do to get to where you are. Scanlan, you fucking saved the world with us. If your daughter can’t see that then she can’t see anything!”

Scanlan didn’t answer that, he just moved on. Ignoring Vax. He started talking about how if they respected him so much they wouldn’t pick him up and put him down and treat him like a child, but Vax was gone, disappearing back into his mind.

He had a very clear memory of the time they had spent the day alone, went out for a little date, a walk in the woods away from everyone else. Scanlan was up on his shoulders, playing a song, filling the air with his lovely voice and the plucking of strings. Each step Vax took crinkled another leaf on the ground and the sunlight warmed his skin. Had he felt like a child then? Vax wasn’t like Grog, couldn’t pick him up and carry him around easily, but he had then, for no other reason than he wanted Scanlan to play for him while they walked and he thought it would be easier.

The times Vax had picked him up, kissing him fiercely and Scanlan wrapped his legs around Vax while he carried him to the bed. It was as far away as from childish as he thought one could get, but had it made Scanlan feel small? Weak?

Vex said he should talk to Kaylee if he wanted to prove something with her. And Keyleth added that he was a better father than most of theirs had been. And Scanlan was agreeing with Vex, gods Scanlan was agreeing. And Vex kept going, she thought she was getting somewhere, breaking through, and Vax wanted to tell her to stop, to scream that she was pushing him away, but he stayed silent and let her take Scanlan from him.

“Don’t treat her like a fucking sacred object, treat her like a daughter, Scanlan.” It was so oddly personal, like she wanted to go back and tell her own father.

Vax didn’t hear it when Scanlan said they should all go without him, that he was going to stay with Kaylee. He saw his lips move and while he may not have been as good at reading lips as Vex he still knew what they’re saying. And the others, they all asked the questions Scanlan brought up but it didn’t fix anything. And they all seemed okay with that, with letting him leave. Well, not okay, but understanding. But Vax was just in pain. He was breaking. Falling apart on the inside. And he didn’t say anything.

Later he wondered is maybe he should have. If maybe he’d been the one to ask his mother’s name or if he’d showed that he cared more, maybe then Scanlan would have stayed. But he was silent and he was angry and he was tired.

Vax didn’t hear anything after Scanlan said, “I don’t have anyone. I don’t. I have to take care of myself, that’s all,” while looking directly at Vax. He feels his mouth moving, is sure there is sound coming out, but he doesn’t hear it anymore. Everything else is just a blur, maybe from the tears threatening to fill his eyes. All he knows is that night he sleeps alone in his bed. Like he does for over a year.

 

Vax waited until he was alone to be angry with Scanlan coming back. In front of their friends he’s supportive, he’s smiling, he’s near the gnome. But when they split off to their own rooms Vax donned his cloak and stalked off to Scanlan’s room, the shadows clinging to him like the way Scanlan did in a nightmare filled sleep. He planned to speak to Scanlan, to yell at him and be angry with him where he could see. But he saw Scanlan standing outside of Grog’s room and decided he could wait for his turn.

But his turn didn’t come. And after listening to Vex encourage him to go to Pike and Grog and trying to convince him that they’ll warm back up he threw his earring across the room so he didn’t have to listen to it all. He was tired of hearing Scanlan apologize to everyone but him.

For a day or two he finds himself avoiding Vex, even though it isn’t her fault. And two days later, when Vax finally decided he needed to tell his sister so she didn’t think he hated her, there was a knock on his door.

He opened it and found the gnome there. Looking up at him nervously.

“You don’t need to be here,” Vax said coldly.

“I…I want to be.”

“Do you? Because you left. You left me. All I wanted was to help you and you didn’t want to let me in. I would have gone with you, I would have followed you where you wanted to go. I would have fucking settled down with you and Kaylie. But you didn’t want me to. You wanted to hurt me. All of us. Not one of us was spared from your bullshit. You know Vex still wonders if she should have taken Saundor’s offer? Believes she forced everyone to go with her and get hurt for her, and all you did was make her regret it even more. You knew exactly what you were doing. I never thought your family would be on the other fucking side of your little Cutting Words trick.”

Scanlan nodded. He didn’t say anything, his eyes looked tired, his shoulders sagged a little, like he wasn’t quite able to keep himself up any longer. Vax waited a long time for Scanlan to say something, to defend himself, but he just stood in the doorway.

Vax huffed and walked back into the room, leaving the door open. Scanlan stepped in behind him and shut the door while Vax talked.

“And then you come back and what? Pretend to be _The Meat Man_? This Aes Adan? I fucking speak elvish you prick! It means Meat Man in elvish! Even if your good pal hadn’t blown your cover you don’t think I would have noticed? You came back with that fucking name and you didn’t come back for us, but to what? To scam Percy out of another gun and then disappear again? What about me? Well you can just go. If you don’t want to be here I’m not going to make you stay.” Vax finally turned to look at him again, meeting those so familiar eyes with a look Scanlan had been dreading. Hate.

“I want to stay. I know I fucked up. I know. And if you want me to go I’ll walk out right now, you’ll never see me again. But seeing you again was the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time and I almost dropped the act right then. I didn’t plan on staying because I didn’t think you wanted me to. And maybe you don’t! All you need to do is say you want me gone and I’ll leave. Say you’re done with me.” The Marquesian accent still caught in his voice and Vax couldn’t look away from the bronzed skin, the curved scar under his eye, the new clothes. All signs of a life that Vax could never be a part of.

“Vex wants you here,” he finally said.

“She’s not who I’m asking.” Scanlan took a step closer to Vax who didn’t move an inch, “Tell me to go.”

“If you want to go then go, you don’t need my permission. You didn’t last time.” Vax’s heart was pounding in his chest now.

“I’m not asking for your permission to go, I’m asking for your permission to stay.”

“You should have come to me when you first got back for that,” he growled.

“Of all the people here I care about you the most. And I knew if you told me to leave, or even just made me believe that it was what you really wanted, I would. With no hesitation. And I selfishly wanted to stay and see you through at least the next few days. But we did that. And now if you tell me to go, well at least I got a few days. I didn’t come to you at first because I liked that when we were with everyone you didn’t hate me. And I wanted to hold onto that a little longer. And it was selfish and wrong and I’m sorry.”

“You should be.”

“The last thing I want to do is leave you ever again. But I also don’t want to hurt you again. I made a promise to you. That I would never hurt you, and I broke that. And I won’t do it again. I know you have no reason to believe me when I say that, I know I haven’t proven myself to be very truthful in that area, but I mean it. And the thing about the truth is that it doesn’t matter if you believe it or not, it’s already the truth. I will choose your happiness every day and if that means I have to leave, then I’ll leave.”

Vax scoffed, “Choose my happiness?”

“I know I didn’t before, I know I was horrible. I’m not asking for your forgiveness. It’s been over a year and the last thing I did was hurt you. But I’m a new man. A man I like better. A man…a man I hope you can come to love. But I would understand if you don’t.”

“What? The Meat Man?”

Scanlan smiled and for a moment Vax saw a flash of his old friend, his old lover, “No, no not the Meat Man. Scanlan Shorthalt. Second edition. New and improved.”

“You really want me to believe you’ve changed?”

“I don’t want you to believe me because I’m telling you, I want you to believe me because I have the chance to show you.”

“You’ve already proven to me who you are before. I didn’t like him very much.”

“Neither did I.” Scanlan paused, then cleared his throat and said, “You haven’t told me to go yet.”

Vax ignored that and said, “I’ve changed too.”

“I can’t wait to get to know the new you if you’ll let me.”

“You didn’t even want me when you knew me.”

Scanlan had never felt more shame in his life than he did right then. He took another desperate step towards Vax who stayed perfectly still. It felt cold, even worse than if he had moved away, at least then Scanlan would know he felt something. “I wanted you more than anything. But I wasn’t…I wasn’t in a place to give myself the things I wanted. I was set on ruining myself and everything around me, as I’m sure you noticed. And I’m sorry.”

Scanlan saw the flash of emotion in Vax’s eyes, a softening, and his shoulders loosened up a little. “I’m not forgiving you.”

“I’m not asking for forgiveness, I was awful. I just hope one day I can earn it, but it isn’t my priority. If you hate me forever I can live with myself, my priority isn’t making you like me again. My priority is just you.”

“And things won’t be the same. I’m angry with you and I’m still hurt. And I have to make sure you don’t hurt everyone else again. So I’m going to be keeping a very close eye on you.”

“The closer the better,” he winked.

Suddenly Vax’s hand flew to his ear and Scanlan jumped a little when Vex yelled, “Oh just kiss him already!”

They had both forgotten. When they were together they’d been very careful about the earrings but after a year they’d fallen out of the habit and emotions were so high that they hadn’t thought about anyone, especially pesky sisters, listening in.

They both turned bright red and looked away. Then Scanlan cleared his throat and jerked his thumb to the door, “I should go. It’s late and we have a lot to do in the morning I think.” And with that he turned and started making his way out of the room.

Vax cleared his throat, “I didn’t tell you I wanted you to go.”

Scanlan looked back and Vax was looking back at him with almost the familiar softness he was used to.

Scanlan stayed in Vax’s arms that night and for the first time in over a year he felt like he was at home.


End file.
